We interrupt this (somewhat) regularly scheduled sports blog to bring you an important public service announcement. Listen up youth of America or so help me, I will turn this car around RIGHT NOW!! I have had enough. I know that I am no longer supposed to understand what makes you tick. Or what is acceptable and what is unacceptable but today I saw something that crossed the line. It’s been enough to see skinny jeans everywhere. I mean I never thought I would see the day that wearing jeans so tight, they pushed male genitals up to somewhere in the Greater Belly Button Region. It was another thing to see a complete abandonment of quality Saturday morning cartoons. Really? We’re getting rid of “Eek the Cat,” “Animaniancs,” and “Bobby’s World,” so that we can flood the market with “Dragonball Z,” “Pokemon,” and something called “The Backyardigans?” It’s worse even still that Lady Gaga and the entire Kardashian family are famous, and neither has any discernable talent. (Editor’s Note: Ray J would disagree with the notion that Kim Kardashian has no talent, but I’m not getting into that right now. May we can talk about it when you are older). No, no, I could take ALL of that, but today I have had enough. I went in the hat store today to get a regular, soft, good fitting South Carolina hat. After I sorted through the 9,000 hats that are terrible colors of their original versions (does anyone honestly need a neon green Atlanta Braves hat?) and the 612 major league baseball team hats (of which, America’s youth, you can probably only positively identify four teams) I saw something jump out at me. There, like a bastion of oppression, was a black hat with a GIANT RED STAR AND A SICKLE AND HAMMER!!! You know, this thing:
(Vladimir Lenin thanks you for your support. Founder of the communist movement in the U.S.S.R.?? That’s what Russia used to be called. Oh for god’s sake just go look it up already.)
Really? We’re goin with communist symbols on our hats now? Why? Give me one good reason why. You can’t can you? Nope, didn’t think you could. You know what, fine, just go get the fire engine red Yankees hat with the furry ear flaps on it. Jesus, at least you know what the “interlocking N-Y” on the front of the hat stands for. If I see you wearing this hat, I have only one way to respond to you:
Now, go to your room.
-Major Munnerlyn
1 comment:
you're looking at this all wrong, this is actually a secret black-ops government-funded program in cooperation with NewEra that aims to sniff out pinko-commie-sympathizer bastards all over the USofA. You may be wondering how I know? well let me regale you with a recent trip to Lids at my local mall...
It was a bright, sunny, AMERICAN day just like any other. I scale the 4 flights of stairs to the top of the mall where my local Lids awaits. As I walk in the stench of moldy bread and carbon-fried steak swirls into my nostrils. I notice a gaggle of disillusioned youths in Che Guevara fatigues and ill-fitting fur-lined boots making a commotion over what I can only assume is the latest in a series of increasingly horrible marketing decisions for NewEra, America's Hat Company since 1492. Sure enough, the red bastards are about to rip each other apart for a limited edition "Comrade Mickey" fur-lined, ear-flapped, bastion of the opressive reich. Thankfully the terrorists-in-training killed 2 of their compatriots in a stone-age battle for marxist fashion supremacy. A Lids representative hauled the bodies off quickly to a furnace for immediate disposal, as to not disturb the blonde bombshell milf and her reckless and wild offspring searching for that one shade of Monster Energy Drink green to complete his collection of john-deere sombrero's. I slid over to the MiLB section to try and find the rare and elusive Fort Myers Miracle 7 and 3/5 fitted that has haunted my dreams for generations. (i didn't find it. yet.) I was admiring how great a Montgomery Biscuits hat brought out the regality in my eyes when i noticed out of the corner of my mirror the dangerous young-ins waltzing out the door in their new Terror-Alert Reds when approached by a buff buzz-cut gentleman in dark shades and an overcoat. He seemed to exchange words with the youths and they appeared to laugh heartily in typical russian douchebag manner. I looked away for only a moment and then spun around quickly upon hearing a cry of hopeless abandonment. Two mini-reds lay dead on the floor, their necks apparently twisted around each other in some sort of super-human pretzel preponderance, and the third lay twitching on the food court floor, 5 stories down in a small pool of blood/brain matter/feces. Those russians are some sick little shits. The crew cut gentleman was no where to be found but I heard reports later that some heard disembodied laughing and what sounded like an old man grumbling gleefully to himself, "kids these days, heh" and eye-witness reports have him vaguely resembling the fictional vigilante "Punisher", known for his brutal and unforgiving treatment of America's enemies. I of course did what any good American would do and told the Poe-Lease that i didnt see anything, and when i got home there was a note in my inbox on behalf of the greater north american chapter of Largely Independent Deathdealers, thanking me for doing my part in protecting America's Freedoms. Also there was a coupon for buy-one-get-one 50% off all American League Teams and Captain America merchandise.
Post a Comment